74

There's something inherently wrong with me. Must be. This is what I wanted. This is exactly what I want. This is how and when I wanted. But my reaction is hollow. Probably self sabotage. Most likely the wacky brain at it. Not really real.

73

It was one of those moments when the party is dying, she wanted to talk and I couldn't say no to her, she has been so nice to me. We were looking at the street, smoking, spitting what our hearts felt and we realized that we were growing but the people around us were not, that they were holding us down. So we decided between sighs and puffs that we were letting go of them. We didn't say a word but we made a deal. We did say words when we promised to get clean. And I was so relieved, because sober me is at peace. But today I smelled this shirt and it made me sick. Everything was upside down inside me. It made me want to inhale snow and not your smell. It's impressively worse to sniff a ghost of a body than to intoxicate myself. So what I hope is that you get clean of your shit too. Your shitty self.